an unofficial biography of kieth gillespie

I wrote this on Uncyclopedia ages ago. McKay added a bit afterwards.
Just updated it today with a line or two.

Can be found here.
Enjoy

Keith Gillespie

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Keith Robert the Bruce Gillespie – the love child of George Best and Dame Mary Peters. He was immaculately conceived after a wild night in Munich (1972) after Dame Mary had won her Olympic Gold Medal.

Childhood

After thirty six months in the womb, Keith finally was born on 18 February 1975, with a full set of teeth and an extra few chromosomes. He was named after the Patron Saint of Five a Day.

After a bout of postnatal depression, Dame Mary couldn’t cope with the stigma of raising such an odd smelling baby. So at four weeks old Dame Mary shaved and washed the infant Keith, then abandoned him outside a monastery on Belfast’s Donegall Pass.

Within the monastery he was baptized with the surname Gillespie, which means “Cracker Ninja”. Being raised by the Shaolin monks sparked his live long love for Budda and also being athletic. After learning how to balance on the point of a sword at 13, he took an interest of football.

Early Football Career

At 16 then left the monastery to join a local football team, The Ulster Defence Association. Gillespie being a footballing show off, even that early in his career, he didn’t really fit in with the the teams “defensive tatics” and after six months he bombed and was shot out of the team.

Manchester United

Paul Parker: Actual Double Winner and Kieth Gillespie “Look-a-like”

In 1992, Keith tried to join Manchester United but couldn’t get signed. He got his break when, Frenchman, Eric Cantona joined the club. According to his autobiography, Gillespie just “snuck in behind Cantona, when no one was looking!”. Gillespie had now made it and his 3 day dream had come true.

Luck paid a huge part to play in Gillespie’s United career, especially that manager, Alexander Charlie Chalk Ferguson, didn’t actually know who Gillespie was, and just assumed it was Paul Parker (due to their uncanny likeness!).

In 1993, Ferguson finally caught on to Gillespie’s scam and sent him to Wigan on loan. At the time, Fergusson was quoted in the press, saying “I had to get that f**king tube out of my sight!”

In 1994, Manchester United won the league and cup double. Despite playing no part in this achievement, whatsoever, Gillespie, to this day, still maintains he is a “Double Winner”.

In 1995, Ferguson finally did the sensible thing and made Gillespie some other club’s problem!

Rubbish Clubs

Since his “glory days” at United, Gillespie has been tossed off to several clubs. Each manager felt Gillespie was a liabilty. Kevin Keegan has been quoted, saying “Gillespie is a f**cking physco!”. While Keegan managed him at Newcastle United, Gillespie played a total of 12 games for the club and earned himself the nickname “Razz-a-matazz” for his undying belief that he was the worlds most skillful footballer. In those twelve games he twirled around the ball 62497 times, becoming a world-recorder holder. He also fell over after 62496 of those twirls which is also a world record. Gillespie claims to have no knowledge of these falls, claiming he will “glass” anyone who mentions it.

His only real success since leaving United, and his “double win”, came in 2003 when he joined Leicester City. At City he lived up to the success of City legend, Gary Lineker by stealing many a bag of crisps!

Up to 2008 he was emplyoed by Sheffield United, in a scheme funded by the Northern Ireland Assembly, costing the tax payer a reported £750,000. Martin McGuinness had lobbied against this scheme on the grounds of sectarian conduct, claiming that Tony Cascarino should have received the same treatment. Tony Cascarino had been retired for 7 years.

In 2009, Gillespie signed for Glentoran. He became the Irish League’s highest profile player. However, he also ranked high in the Irish League’s embarassments, second only to Glen Ferguson.

Northern Ireland

Gillespie, has been crowned “Northern Ireland’s Greatest Footballer Of All Time Ever” (NIGFOATE), and uses every opportunity to put this title after his name. Even to the extent of having the title on his cheque book! Though some cynics suggest he only runs up and down the wing and has never made a respectable contribution to Northern Irish football! David Healy recently challenged Gillespie to a fight for the NIGFOATE title and won after the ghost of George Best interfered on behalf of Gillespie with a chair although Gillespie kept the title as it cannot change hands after a disqualification as decreed by Lawrie Sanchez.

Once he won the title Konami rewarded him with the only player Northern Ireland to spin around with the ball in the computer game Pro Evolution Soccer 3. Gillespie has since denied the existence of any football game since.

Social Life

Gillespie has many celebrity friends, including Julian Simmons, Ashley Cole, Factor and Jonny Adair to name but a few.

He also has a few celebrity enemies, such as Gary Lightbody and Alex Masky.

Other interests

Gillespie is a budding singer-songwriter and once he (finally) retires from football, will like to release a Country/Slide album.

He has also has done some acting roles, such as “Uncle Andy” in Northern Ireland comedy show “Give My Head Peace” and one of the turtles in the Diet Coke adverts!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s