By me … Originally appeared here on the My Sunday Hat site
…aka The Hatties!
In tribute to some of the obscure Grammy’s, which are tonight therefore topical, we’ve came up with our own tedious awards.
If any massive, faceless, corporation want to sponsor these awards, feel free to contact us…
Also, is it narcissistic to a) name made up and meaningless awards after us and b) subsequently give some to ourselves? Well if it is… I don’t care! There is no structure here and are solely awarded on a whim…
Ukeleue player of the year (“noms” in bold):
Fearon was a shoe in most of the year as Patrick doesn’t have access to a Uke any more The band’s visit to Blast 106 in August, for an acoustic performance, was going to cement Fearon’s claim to this award, until a rehearsal at his house few days before. McKay picked Fearon’s uke for the first time and improvised something that sounded like a mandolin for Further… He did the same live on the radio with no practice. Prick.
Winner: Darren McKay.
The Arrigo Brovedani award for Smallest Crowd.
The Courthouse Gig at the start of November wasn’t as busy as expected, possibly due to the arrest of a prominent local and expected riots. Though there was still a healthy amount of people there, including the other bands, their friends and regulars.
The Beach Club gig was really quiet too, but unlike the winner it had the advantage of the other bands being there. Plus we started when the doors opened so some people started showing up during the set.
Heat 1 of the Love and Death jam was sparse during our set – as we were on last, and on a school night, people started leaving (even the other acts had left). Though the judges were obliged to stay, a few others voluntarily braved it out too. Plus it’s a small room – so less depressing.
The deserving winner is Tanglewood! On a rainy Saturday morning we turned up on time, the stage wasn’t finished so we were delayed by over an hour! We hoped this would mean that when the gates open people would flock to the stage and we would have a big crowd for our set!
There were so few people I can remember each person. There were a consistent nine. Plus as we were in a big field instead of a bar it seemed even less! At one point the next band were watching our set so I think we peaked at 13 – so I think that was more than Fighting with Wire who headlined the second stage – which is ridiculous! So, every cloud, I guess? (though FWW are from Derry and don’t have the advantage of three members having family living within 10 miles.. Patrick’s sister even lives on the Narrow Water grounds and only turned up for half of our set, even though she was in the site!)
Patrick’s Man crush of 2012:
The sound guy at Auntie Annies.. no, the other one.
Patrick doesn’t like anyone… he barely tolerates us, so for him to say someone is “cool” or “dead on”, as was the case of all our nominees, is quite an achievement.
Clark’s win may have to be referred to the Dubious Awarding Committeethough. The reason being that Patrick had a burrito for the first time that day and was extra excited, and may have gave Clark an unfair advantage.
Critique of the Year – Sponsored by Banner permanent markers.
Some people have made opinions of us. Some of them have used prose to convey these opinions:
At the start of January we had our first ever gig with Aidan. Brian Coney was there and described us a “pub-rock” and “a more endurable manifestation of Stereophonics’ sound”. We looked at that constructively (he was right!) and it spurred us on to get as far far away from that as possible.. (I think we thanked him the next time we met him)
An EP review on Goldenplec described us as “Lyrically intelligent, melodically tight and quietly self-confident..” which had us *literally* blushing.
However, my favourite was a piece of graffiti in the back of Auntie Annies. In my opinion disdain is better than indifference – and the fact someone had to see the sticker, find a marker and then write a profanity shows a lot of disdain!
Social networking achievement of the year!
This award is shared by Chalcho’s Belfast and Big Fat Burrito in Toronto. These two quality burrito places follow us on twitter which is a) pretty cool and b) sums up Band Tweeter #1, aka McKay’s tweeting habits.
Hopefully Boojum will follow us soon.. Not Mex, we don’t care for them.
Runner up 1: McKay and Fearon randomly ended up on the Tennents Facebook page page
Runner up 2: Tom Petty tweeted us!
I may have put these in the wrong order.. meh!
Shortest distance to travel to gig:
Criteria for this one is distance from their house to venue – using shortest route on Google maps.
Lazy Satire award:
Fearon had a Ferrari flag on stage for a few gigs, until one time he was using a bass amp that he couldn’t put it on, because it would cover the fans inside and make the amp over heat.
He felt his identity being corroded In a rush, he chucked it to the side, and just got on with it. The flag was never seen again, because, let’s be honest, it was a bit silly and no body else wanted it there… He might bring it back for a designated day.. say if Alonso wins the championship.
Song we are happiest about never having to play again.
Born to Run
Son of a Bitch
Drowned in sound.
Time goes slowly
It really was another level of shit, wasn’t it?
Silliest Song never to see the light of day
At the very start we had a song called Jovi. Yep, named after himself. It had something like 3 solo’s (including finger tapping, pitched harmonics, whammy bars .. all that crap) and a key change!
We didn’t get to unleash this beast at our first gig because we ran out of time. But we think maybe it was because the organizers realised the audience didn’t bring spare socks – and after we rocked them off – the prospect of bare footed patrons and the health and safety implications worried them and had to stop us.. yeah, that, or they stopped us because we were shit.. one or the other.
Bruce Springsteen Award for set length.
At our Pavillion gig, in September; as a result of constant “dropping” we had to stretch about 25 minutes of material into just under 40 minutes.. that was quite painful. Turns out there are only so many ways to plug a CD.
The Keith Gillespie award for Razz-a-ma-tazz
Keith Gillespie was the only NI player that could do a twirl on Pro Evo 3therefore it’s only right this award is named after him.
The award goes to Aidan for his suggestion of have the four of us drumming, at the same time, during Breaks.
We managed to hold back and only have Patrick do extra drumming, after he played his chords through a loop station.
The idea was dropped altogether for being too silly and as the possibility of disaster was too great! What’s really surprising though that decision was made at the very last minute…
Aidan still hasn’t let go of his dream of multiple drummers. He even suggested it last week.
Dante meets Bosch in a crack lounge Award
Isle of Wight festival: So much rain, mud and surrounded by wankers! Springsteen was good though.
Ronnie Drew memorial award for Facial hair of the year:
It was a straight fight between Fearon and Aidan (Patrick made an occasional embarrassing attempt and McKay knows better). Determining the award based on substance over style, hence cementing the credibility of these awards , the only person it can go it is Fearon.
My Sun..kind of monster award.
Late entry. Remember the scene in Some Kind of Monster when James Hetfield storms out of a meeting and slams the door, therefore leaving Metallica in a state of limbo for months while he was in Rehab?
Well we had a similar situation the other week when Patrick took a huff and went home early. Well, it was like ten minutes early. But we didn’t see him for ages after that… well, two weeks as he was away on a pre planned holiday… not rehab…
Actually, in Some Kind of Monster, Hetfield doesn’t spend five minutes packing his gear as Lars, Kirk and Bob Rock just stare at him, slagging him off and asking if he had
Actually, it was nothing like that at all…
Most ridiculous, yet believed, lie.
Another late entry:
McKay and Fearon told Aidan that Patrick had planned to elope on holiday (see above) and go on honeymoon to Russia to see the sites ofStalingrad. Aidan believed it and wished Patrick congratulations the next time he saw him.
Kurt Anlge award for ill cocieved comeback
See you next year!